Awareness

Awareness

What is awareness?  Consapavolezza. Being aware.  Being responsible.

Having the presence of mind to be completely accountable for your actions & reactions.

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I recently dosed myself too much of two different substances in two different instances since the new year began.

Well, I guess you could say I’m exploring my boundaries.

If anything, it’s giving me more compassion for myself and compassion for others who might find themselves in the same situation.

I forgot the golden rule in self-medicating regarding dosage and quantity: “You can always take more, but you can never take less.”

In both instances, the topic of judgment comes up.

+ Am I a bad person because I didn’t account for my body weight and the dosage given correctly?

+ Is the substance bad because I was in pain physically, specifically my jaw, the next day?

+ Am I a bad person because I didn’t take a substance with intention?

+ Is the substance bad because I wasn’t able to function properly, to the point where I felt like my mind was sloshy and my brain was processing everything through a thick cotton gauze?

In any case, have I learned my lesson?

- To take into awareness the set and setting.

- To take into account the dosage, timing, and quality.

- To see (once again) the power of this lesson.

I submit.  I bow down.  I have learned.  Again. And yet again I have learned.

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       < D E E P  B R E A T H >

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What was I *thinking*?

Oh right, I guess I wasn’t.

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       < D E E P  B R E A T H >

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Dear God,

I’m sorry for the times I thought I was ready when I wasn’t ready to admit I wasn’t.

I’m sorry for the times I thought I could handle it when I really couldn’t.

I’m sorry for the times I thought I was being mindful with my actions when I was really just compulsively reacting out of habit.

I’m sorry for the times I disregarded how those closest to me would be affected by my unmindful actions.

Please forgive me for these times I didn’t think things through fully and with intention.

Please forgive me for the times I reacted without taking a moment to pause and reflect, “Do I really want to be doing this?”

Please forgive me for the times I wasn’t aware of how much I was taking, or take into account the timing (chronos), or the appropriateness (kairos).

Thank you for giving me this lesson again to pause and reflect.

Thank you for giving me the knowledge and understanding that I’m doing the best that I can.

Thank you for uniting me with Jonas, the love of my life.

Thank you for giving me the gift of language, of reflection, and of the skill of typing out these thoughts.

I need you to instill me with faith.

I need you to infuse me with strength.

I need you to love me into awareness.

I love you for forgiving me.

I love you for being compassionate.

I love you giving me the chance to start again.

O’hoponopono

O’hoponopono Mandala